Feeling dump
What do I do when grief doesn’t seem to subside?
When pain doesn’t happen to leave my side
When happiness cannot find a way to enter.
When sadness has found way to heart’s centre
Phew…last month has been nothing short of roller coaster ride of sorts for me. Right from extensive hours of travelling to working relentlessly for the newsletter, from going to a cafe all alone to talking to absolute strangers while travelling , from being told that i am good for nothing to being ghosted by one of my closest friends, from being touched inappropriately while traveling in the bus to getting in a brawl with rickshaw wala who kept staring at me throughout the journey(was shit scared), from being told that i have achieved absolutely nothing in my life to being told that I have lost my charm, from being told that I am talented to heaving a sigh of relief after the launch of the newsletter, from finding solace in music to immersing myself in poetry.
After all, medicine, law, business, engineering all are noble pursuits as they help in sustaining lives; but it is poetry, romance, music and nature, that all of us live for.
One habit of mine has proved to be troublesome for me in past couple of weeks, the habit of recalling anecdotes from the past. Sab bolte hai cheezein, kissein, kahaniyaan yaad rakhna acchi baat hai, ha acchi tab bhi hoti hai jab woh kissein, Kahaaniyan tumhare chehre par muskan la sake tab nahi jab tumhara chain-o-sukoon cheen le. Ek aisa kissa jo mere zehen mai ghar kar gaya hai woh chand dino pehle ka hai jab maine apne ek asees dost ko mere saath in chand mahino mai jo kuch bhi hua woh saara bataya tha, maine itna sab usse batane se pehle shayad hi kisiko bataya hoga, mujhe laga ke mujhe woh samajega, mujhse chand minuton ke liye hi sahi par baat karega, ha maine ek galti kardi maine ant mai bye bol dia shayad nahi bolna chahiye tha, thik hai par usse badi galti shayad maine usse apni mere saath jo kuch bhi pichle mahine hua, woh batake ki. Teen se char din chale gaye. Woh din hai aur aaj ka din ka uska sirf ek hi message aaya hai- Sorry, main bahot busy tha. Usne mai kis halat mai hoon, janne tak ki koshish nai ki.
Doosra kissa teachers’ day ka hai. Mai uss din newsletter ka kaam kar rahi thi. Muje kuch changes karne ko bole gaye thay, to mai ek kamre mai bethke saare changes kar rahi thi, meri ek dost aayi, woh bethi maine usko newsletter ka draft dikhaya, usne draft ki taarif ki, mujhe accha laga, phir maine jab usse baat karni chahi to usne meri baaton ko ansuna kar dia, mujhe laga ke woh acche mood mai nai hai isliye, meri baaton ko ansuna kar rahi hai, par phir jab uska ek dost aaya, jabne usne usse bahot acche se baat ki, tab mujhe uss waqt jo thes pahuchi thi, uss thes ko bayaan karneke liye na mere pass uss waqt lafz thay na aaj hai. Tab mujhe us dost ki majaudgi mai bhi akelepan ka ehsaas hua. Shayad usse bilkul yaad nahi hoga, par mujhe yaad hai. Mujhe bahot acche se yaad hai.
Yaadash bhi kamaal ki cheez hai, kuch jo bhulna chaho woh bhul nahi pate, aur kuch yaad karne pe bhi yaad nai aata.
Kuch log hote hai jinke liye kuch bhi karo unko tumhari kadar hi nahi hoti. Kuch waise hote hai jo tumhare paas tab bhi aate hai jab unko tumhari zaroorat hoti hai. Jab kaam khatam tab mai kaun aur tum kaun. Kuch to mere dost honeke bawajood bhi mere baare mai bina jaane kuch bhi bol jaate hai. Are! tum mujhe jaante hi kitna ho, to aisi ul jalool baatein karte ho. Mere posts meri personality sirf ek hisse ki jhalak dikhate hai. Meri puri personality, ya choices ka reflection nai. Yeah aakhri post hai jahan pe apna haal-e-dil bayaan kar rahi hoon. Iske baad nahi.
Kyuki zyadatar logo ko farak nai padta hai, kuch log khush honge, kuch unki stupid judgements paas karenge, kuch bas sorry note likhke chale jayenge, kuch tumhein jhoothe dilase denge ( mai aake sab thik kar dunga/ dungi).
Mere zehen me kuch dino se ek gaana ghar kar gaya hai, jiske bol kuch yun hai-
Tum na jaane, kiss jahaan mai kho gaye
Hum bhari duniya mai tanha ho gaye
I was told not to expose my vulnerabilities in front of world, because the world out there is extremely cruel. The people out there are not as nice as they seem. Kaccha chaba jayenge tumhein. After all, humans were breed of hunter gatherers- they used to hunt, prey and kill. Hai na? So, they won’t even bat an eyelid before doing something nasty to you. They will use you for their own good and when their work gets done, they will cease to recognise you.
We, humans identify ourselves by our religion, caste, culture, values, beliefs and traditions. We tend to live with people who confirm to our beliefs and ideologies and tend to ostracise ones who don’t. Hai ke nai? Inhi beliefs aur ideologies ke matbhed ke karan batwara ho chuka hai- mulkon ka, bhashaon ka, mazhab ka, aur yahan tak ke rangon ka bhi,- Hindustan tumhara, Pakistan hamara, Hindi tumhari, Urdu hamari, Hindu tumhare, Musalman hamare, Kesariya rang tumhara, Neela rang hamara. Iss matbhed ke batwarein ke darmiyaan, insaaniyat ka bhi maano batwara ho gaya. Jab jab dange bhadakte hai,jab jab qatl-e-aam machta hai, jab jab masoom log maare jaate hai, tab tab insaaniyat sharam saar hoti hai, tab tab insaaniyat ki bhi maut hoti hai. Humanity dies whenever innocent people lose their lives.
Dono mulkon ke batwara shanti aur aman kayam rakhne ke liye hua tha, jo qatl-e-aam macha tha azaadi ke pehle , azaadi ke baad usko khatam karne ke maqsad se hua tha. Par, aisa to kabhi hua hi nai. Aaj bhi dono mulkon ke darmiyaan jang hoti hai, aaj bhi uss jang mai saikdon sipahio apne mulk ki hifazat ke liye apni jaan gawaani padti hai. aaj bhi dono mulkon mai rehne waale logo aman ki aas lagaye bethe hai. Itne saalon mai jitni bhi jung hui, usmein kai maaon ne apne bete gawayein, kahi beheno nai apne bhai, kahi biwiyon ne apne shohar, kai beton aur betiyon ne apne pitaji ya phir mataji. Mai yeah nai keh rahi jung karna galat hai. Nai, kabhi kabhi apni hak ki ladai ladne ke liye, jo apna hai usse haasil karne ke liye ya apne mulk ko surakshit rakhne ke liye jung karni padti hai. Par taklif tab hoti hai, jab jung kisi aise se ho jinhein hum apna maanta thay, ya aisa koi jo apna hi hissa hua karta tha.
75 saal ho gaye, azaadi ko, batware ko, par aaj bhi bahot koshishon ke baad dono desh ke sambandhon mai koi khaas badlav nai aaya. Batwara kabhi shanti laa nai sakta. Kissi matbhed ka (chahe kitna bada kyu na ho) nivaran ya hal (as in solution)batwara ya vibhajan kaise ho sakta hai? Boundaries are meant to bind people, how can something that is meant to bind people, can be drawn to set them free? How can it put an end to miseries of people?
Phew.. cannot write anymore, too overwhelmed with emotions to write any further. will have to end this abruptly.
