I am tired (A Rant)

I am tired. I am tired of putting people’s interests above mine. I feel that some of them are taking me for a ride. I feel as if they are taking me for granted. I am tired of putting up “ a happy go lucky face”. I might come out as jovial person, who keeps on saying random things, keeps on cracking silly jokes. But, I am actually not that person. I have been pretending for all these years. Now, kabhi kabhi without any sort of pretense, I start cracking jokes, because that has become part of me.

At times, when I open up my heart in front of someone, I end up getting judged. Having said that, I do have couple of people in my life who don’t judge me, who listen to me, and tolerate my shitty behaviour. Ya, I am shitty person, who just snaps at people at times, annoys people (only the near and dear ones) to T.

I am tired of lying to people I love, and most importantly to myself. I wanted to become a writer. Mujhe yeah baat, shayad 11th mai pata chal gai thi. I never had the gumption of telling my parents about my dream. So, jaise taise karke I completed my engineering. Then, I don’t why, I thought of pursuing MBA (Ya, it was my decision). But Jab results aaye exams ke , interviews ke, tab I told my parents, ke I don’t want to puruse MBA. They said it was too late. So, I had to live with my lie for two more years. All these years, I kept on writing blogs and poems. But, offlate a fear had started creeping, a fear of loosing the passion that I had for writing. At times, I ask myself, whether I was passionate about becoming a writer or not, because I feel I haven’t taken my passion, my dream seriously. Aisa to nahi tha ke mere paas waqt nahi tha, hamesha se tha, 11th mai bhi, Engineering mai bhi aur MBA bhi hai, bas maine istemaal nahi kia.